A Reflection of Sorts …

One of my biggest flaws is the tendency to expect others to do things MY way.  I thought I learned much about acceptance when Nan was dying and she did everything exactly opposite as I would have.  But she’s been gone for a few years now and I’m reverting backward.

I like things to happen quickly.  I abhor delay of any kind.  Everything is done at the “speed of lightning” as my dear friend, Louise, likes to say.  So when things are out of my control and there are inevitable delays because of other people’s schedules, I don’t adapt well.  I also don’t like not thinking I know what is going to happen down the line.  I’m a HUGE planner (although 90% of my plans never come to fruitation).

I also have a need to vent.  With new friends my first vent is usually a surprise.  For some reason people think I don’t have a temper.  Ha!  This always surprises me because as a child I was prone to temper tantrums.  I would get so angry at times I would just gush venom.  One of the first poems I wrote was about the anger that would come.  I left it on the table for my family to read.  An offering, of sorts … my way of apologizing.  My mum thought I’d copied it from one of my many books.  Now that I’m “maturing” I don’t get angry as often as I used to.  If I’m honest I think I just don’t have the energy to get worked up about things.   But the venom still bubbles up if I’m provoked.

Although I did feel moderately better the other morning when I heard my 74-year old neighbour dropping the F-bomb on her 83-year old husband and telling him that he was worthless.  She was SO angry and SO mean.  I was rather inspired.

An old friend of mine said I should start meditating.  He said it would help me achieve calm.  I should note that this particular friend has known me for almost 20 years and, yes, has been a victim of the slashing of my words on a few occasions (both in writing and verbally.  True mark of a friend: he’s still hanging around and listening when I need to vent and he never takes me seriously and hardly ever provokes me with eye rolling any more).

But I did try the whole meditation thing.  And it’s very cool, if you can do it.  But to be honest, I got kind of bored, then cold, then I wondered what that noise was … then I got hungry.  I lasted for 3 minutes.

Oh, I know I need to keep trying – it’s a practice.  Goes against my whole “let’s get on with it, then, shall we?” mentality.

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